Sexy Attributes of a Pregnant Mom | Ranting, Laughing, Crying

Being pregnant has some incredible attributes that I just cannot go without sharing. This is baby #3 for me, and let me just say that if I thought I was large with my first child, boy was I mistaken. I already look like I've eaten the baby #1 version of myself for breakfast! UGH! I am one of those cursed  blessed women, who show about 2 minutes after conception. Don't get me wrong, I mean, who doesn't love a cute baby bump right? BUT when your bump leads people to ask when you are due and you say "October" problems begin to arise. It's hard to explain my Hindenburg appearance so early in my pregnancy. 


Already my closet is sporting maternity clothes and as cute as those might be, I'm already bored with my belly enhancing attire. I secretly try to sneak in a normal piece of my regular wardrobe but one glance in the mirror sends me into a deep "sigh". So, I guess my thong Brazilian bikini I wore in Hawaii this past November is out of the question? :-) We wouldn't want anyone trying to push me back out to sea after mistaking me for a beached whale. I mean how would I explain that one at play group? "How was your weekend? Oh it was fun, a group from PETA found me on the beach and tried to reunite me with my underwater family." Ah the joys of being pregnant!


Every morning I wake up and puke for a good five minutes. I talk myself up by saying things like "think how hot your abs will be after 9 months of this!!" Oh the joys. I sport the most lame FASHIONABLE sea sickness bracelets on my wrists, just to be sure people know which club I'm rooting for these days. I mean seriously, could someone throw me a bone and design some of these suckers that aren't elephant grey? 


My 4 year old DEMANDS nicely asks me to tell EVERYONE WE MEET that I am pregnant. Hey MOM, You better tell them about the baby in your tummy! Yes dear, mommy will get right on it. So now, in case my physique didn't give it away, I currently yell out LOOK AT ME I'M PREGNANT at the top of my lungs as I enter any retail establishment. I know, it sounds extreme, but I am so tired these days that I just don't have the energy to tell each person in the store individually. 


I'm so lazy tired fatigued moody weepy  motivated that I take a nap just about every single day. AWESOME right? It's like I'm back in preschool except I don't get a nice teacher bringing me a snack at 11am. Thank goodness my 4 year old still naps, or I would really have a pickle on my hands. 


As each week goes by I laugh at the life I lead. This glamours lifestyle of being a mother is just fabulous! Who needs heels when they make stretchy pants?? Lactating at 8 weeks pregnant? Cool right? Nothing like hearing a screaming baby in the mall and having let-down through your shirt... awesome. "Why's your shirt wet? Oh, I'm a pro wet t-shirt contest athlete... didn't you know?" 


Seriously though, all these magical attributes make me feel extra special. They remind me of the little baby growing inside me and how great everything will be  when a healthy baby is in my arms... and how I wait for the day to tell my kids "PAYBACK IS A BITCH"